wanderlust

i find that my need to flee, my wanderlust, is much stronger in the summer. i've been looking at getting a Green Card, prices of travel to anywhere, and trying to get back in touch with all the people i've ever known, just to have a place to crash if i happen to be wherever they are.

i just get the urge to get out. to just go and not come back until i'm ready.

i can usually stick to one place for 4 months. after that four month period i need a change, so i move. i don't know if it's because i stop being happy with my situation, or if i can only convince myself to stay put for 4 months at a time. i suppose it's really only 3 months, because after those 3 months i hand in my notice.

i have only been here for a month, but the itchy feeling is here already... i almost cut all my hair off today. i was holding scissors and my mom came and asked me what i was doing. i told her i was making a change. she took the scissors away and said that i should get my hair professionally cut on saturday. people like her don't understand people like me.

i have to decide which is more important: having something in the long run, like long hair, or satisfying my incredible, bone-shattering urges to change immediately, and just cut all my hair off.

how can i control myself? is that what cutting my hair is all about? just finding a small smidgen of my life that i can control (the length of my hair)? dying my hair isn't good enough.

why am i talking about hair? let's just say it's a metaphor.

do i need help? do i want help? will help help?

coconut milk

to start matters off, we left 4 hours late. but all the laughs were worth it. tossing around a deflated ball, and getting ready to sit. in the van, cramped but happy. socio-cultural music and democracy. we got to seattle; sci-fi and rock 'n roll. hendrix and the mother alien. "hey, remember that movie where..." "yeah, i just watched it" "what was it called?" "i have no clue."

driving to a place with no name, eating mexican food and laughing over forceful toilets. "i'll have the nachoes chicken." laugher for "oogedy-nine" minutes.

we got to the campsite later that possible, and drove around for hours trying to find a hotel. no luck so we stopped at a rest stop. uncomfortable sleep and a stern no-laughing rule. i woke up at dawn to a sunrise over the desert and the windows were crying. on the road again to another town with no name. waiting for the grocery store to open and eating dried mango in a nondescript farming town with four cowboys in a row.

we arrived at the wonderful gorge, "you are all pretty tame for a gorge full of people on drugs. i don't think i've ever used 'gorge' in that sense before...'gorgetastic.'" why not gorgeous? anyway, we set up tents and caught the shuttle. air conditioning for 5 minutes. 55 spf and a whole bunch of new freckles. bjork, arcade fire, two gallants, beastie boys and more. bitter cold times and fighting the urge. $5 water and $10 beer. beverage enforcers patrolling the grass, and we were napping anywhere.

we got lost in the cold after that.

the second day i woke up cold, then too hot. waiting in line for 45 minutes for the shower, and then having the shower curtain fall twice in front of a roomful of people. i didn't even charge them for the double show. "today is going to be a good day." we packed, then went back to the concert grounds. minus the bear, helio sequence, the dandy warhols, spoon, more beasties, interpol and more. blistering winds and 3 hours of "letting mother nature pass." a white blanked with too many holes in it to do any good. running into old friends with big hugs. a beautiful new girl in a white bunny costume carrying a flask. sunset and long hills. an evening of alone, not by choice. they found me at last, curled up in a ball on the grass, watching the show, freezing.

after everything we packed the van and left. i fell asleep and woke up in time to find my ID. we got back to burnaby and i laughed too hard at a spring. i almost died! "pttangg!" "you're a menace..." oh the pain! i laughed myself voiceless!

after that it was cookies and hot chocolate, talks about sci-fi, and time to go home. a big hug at the car ended the whole trip. i'll never forget it.

i'm better today

i still bring her flowers every day. and she still buys me meaningless things that no one needs, but everyone sells. the world is back in order.

i leave in 6 days. as soon as i leave my whole world is going to change. i can feel it coming. something big is on its way. i'm anxious to see what it is.

i bought a new book, and was reading it on my way home today. i burst out laughing, not because it is overly funny, but because it completely appeals to me and my self. i called cole right away to tell him i'd fallen in love, but told nic instead. leave it to me to only be able to love books. at least i can carry my love with me everywhere. and i got it on sale.

they say timing is everything. but how is anything ever timed? i believe things happen right when they're supposed to. timing is obsolete.

tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you tomorrow

i am so utterly, completely, and overwhelmingly depressed this evening.

all the flowers, all the love and the hugs. everything i gave to her i now realize was for nothing. she will never change. she will never see anything besides herself. she pushes you out of the way so she can see herself in the mirror.

i have a new job. this one will not last long. they never do.

even the little things i do to keep myself even partially happy are all erased. sitting in the park after work reading. eating peas on long walks down the hill towards the sunset. picking flowers and singing in the yard. none of it matters, because it is all so temporary.

even he forgot. i spent the night at home alone.

i'll be better tomorrow.

three days in the void

Movies and wild eucalyptus. sitting in a corner talking about nothing while a camera is poised and ready for genius. home-made tea and honey.

i walked across the street in search of a chair, met a man named Darren who laughed at my name. he gave me a pink chair that spun and let me break glass with a hammer. later that day i fought about consideration with someone who knew what it meant, but didn't understand how to practice it.

i drink a lot of tea and eat a lot of leaves that i find when i walk. my voice changed from the leaves, it's rougher now, makes me sound more genuine.

three hours on a half-hour bus ride. i got lost. "getting lost is just a slow-motion adventure."

flesh on flesh, eggs and toast. coffee in my yogurt and tea in my hair.

"you're much prettier than her. but don't ever tell her that"

so many tears. more tears than one could count. a mild concussion and exhaustion. dizzy for days.


i spent four hours doing research. i now understand space and time, dali, einstein, newton, and breton. i'm saving escher and pythagoras for tomorrow.

i haven't listened to new music, or even my own music in a long time. only whatever happens to be playing in the stores i enter, or what is on the radio in cars that i'm in, or what someone sits me down on the beach to listen to and sing along with.
and sometimes i'll hum to myself something secret.

i miss my music. i need speakers.

Wine and sushi on the beach. Crutches and bathroom breaks. Baileys and Soul Travel.
I got lost after that. When i found myself I was walking down the street with an old friend, talking faster than i ever thought i was capable of.

i woke up for no reason. my shoulder hurt. i changed beds and then everyone finally left, it was a relief. the scary thing is that once people left, i could still hear them. i heard a pot crash to the floor, and when i looked, there was no pot there.

i dreamt of a lost one after i switched beds. she's been gone for over a decade. in my dream she played bass and scared me.

maybe not the Starchild bit. it sounds kind of crazy.

just Rainbow.

don't cloud me

i've decided to change my name to Rainbow Starchild. I've come to the decision that names are very much like clothes, and should be changed as soon as one outgrows, or outwears a certain name. See, usually i just alter my name, my real name is tabatha-ann, so sometimes, depending on where i live and who i want to be, i change it. it'll be ann, or tabatha, or tabi, or tabi-ann. anyway, it's like altering clothes. once you do it too many times it's just all a mess and doesn't work anymore. so you need to get yourself a new outfit. or new name.

why should we all be burdened with a name that our parents or original name-givers thought was appropriate, just because they liked the sound of it. I think one should choose their own name, just as they would hairstyle and career.

don't let something that your parents thought was nice-sounding tie you down and make you be someone you may not be. be yourself. name yourself.

Monday

I met a man today from LA and his name was Shaheen. He said he liked my name, and i told him that i'd tell my mom that, since i didn't choose it myself. he asked me what i'd choose, and i told him "Rainbow." he hugged me and then got me to read Jimi Hendrix quotes and talk about philosophy and music.

I hope the art store calls. I hope the Music Man calls. I hope.

cody, do you remember when i said that i never identified my self with my name? i think i know why.